You Think You're So Damned Clever

Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: NC-17
Category: Wine-induced crack-fic with a ton of sex and very little in the way of plot.
Summary: Shameless office-sex -- the only thing it can be blamed on is the wine...
Thanks to: Nicci, for putting up with my drunken speed-writing. And making gurglig noises.
Notes: Well, if everyone else and their mothers are doing it, so can I. Bad-fic always makes me want to write, feel free to take it apart and laugh at it. I'm not sober, I know that. The question is, why aren't you drunk off your arse?

Ianto closed the last of his documents on the computer, making sure they were all stored where he could easily access them again with the smallest amount of search time. Efficiency was a trait of his own he had come to lean heavily on since he had started working at Torchwood 3. It gave him the illusion of sitting on solid rock in the middle of a stormy sea.

Picking up the folder with the day's reports from the archives, he took a deep breath. He needed it, needed the calm, because as much as he could navigate the insanity of his work place, it took a lot of energy and more self control than he would have ever thought he could possess. If only his mother could see him now, she would take back everything she had ever muttered about him being an easily influenced individual.

Her words, not Ianto's.

Working for Jack Harkness took a level of self-control that Ianto would have considered impossible and ridiculous prior to his transfer from London. It also took a lot of cold showers whenever he returned home to his flat.

Turning off the computer, he arranged the papers on the desk into their respective folders and steeled himself for the report delivery.

Sure, he could just send them via email to his boss' office, but the Captain had told him from day one that he wanted the reports, written and in triplicate, delivered to his office at the end of each workday. In person. By Ianto.

Even that day, or maybe especially that day, Ianto had gotten the distinct feeling that he would have to watch out for Jack Harkness. In more ways than one.

Jack had caught on to his wariness quite fast, and Ianto had made a mental note of not underestimating his boss. Even if the man occasionally said the stupidest things and every other line was thick with barely hidden sexual innuendo.

These days it had become almost comforting, even if Ianto still took great care when he delivered his reports. Lately, though, the come-ons had taken a turn for the odd. Or rather, Ianto knew exactly where it was going. It seemed that Jack had turned to a more... extreme kind of warfare.

Whenever Ianto would enter the main part of the Hub or even worse, Jack's private office at the top, he would mostly be subjected to some situation of Jack waving his arse at him. Fully clothed, of course, but waving nevertheless. Leaning over the desk, reading some report or computer screen, taking care to always turn his backside in Ianto's direction. And there was no way that Ianto could miss the nicely shaped arse inside those pants. It was all nicely framed as he would run his gaze up Jack's lower back, along those sharp shoulders, watching the muscles working under the shirt and those braces. Ianto was fairly sure very few people could pull off that look these days. It did, however, work wonderfully for Jack.

So wonderfully, in fact, that Ianto found himself playing along most of time, much to his own horror. He would let Jack pull him into innuendo laden conversations, brushes of bodies and looks that lingered for longer than was strictly speaking in tune with the dos and don'ts of interoffice relationships.

One could worry that Jack was taking advantage of being the boss and Ianto being the assistant, but really, Ianto had the feeling that Jack wasn't using his position as head of the office. Jack used everything else. Body language, looks, smirks, licking his lips, outrageous come-ons and ill veiled sexual suggestions.

Ianto shook the thoughts from his mind and made his way toward Jack's office. The Hub was silent apart from the hum of machinery and Tosh's computer still on, running some code sequence analysis.

The number of steps from the Hub to Jack's office seemed to have tripled since the last time Ianto had ascended them and that alone should have told Ianto that tonight might be a bit out of the ordinary.

The first thing that was off compared to the last few nights, was the fact that Jack was seated behind his desk, instead of standing up, looking like he was about to pounce on Ianto the moment he wasn't paying attention. Actually, Jack looked as if he was trying very hard to look innocent and completely uninterested.

Unfortunately, for Jack, Ianto wasn't fooled for a moment. He had learned that a casual looking Jack was a dangerous Jack. As long as Jack kept hitting on him, Ianto knew pretty much where he had him, well, as long as he kept him in front of him and didn't let down his guard.

This side of Jack, however, was a bit of a wild card. Ianto knew that either Jack would stay seated, and settle for unsettling him or he would grab him the second Ianto got too close to him.

A wolf acting like a sheep to fool the...

"Ah, Ianto," Jack said in a neutral tone. "I take it you have today's report for me."

"Of course sir," Ianto replied, keeping his voice level. "If that is all?" He was careful not to sound too eager to leave or for that matter, the opposite. He knew he'd eventually cave, he just hadn't been planning on when it might happen. He would be a fool to think of it as anything but 'when'. It wasn't a question of if or maybe. Nor was it a question of whether or not he wanted it. He wanted it. Just on his own terms.

Leaving the file folder on the desk, Ianto made to leave again, expecting Jack's usual reply of 'no, that's good -- go home and get some rest.'

"Do you have a minute to spare?" Jack asked, leaning back, stretching a little in his seat. Ianto turned back around and couldn't help but noticing the muscles moving under the clothes, how, with Jack pushing a little away from the desk, the garment of his pants tightened nicely over his crotch, obviously helped along by...

Ianto swallowed hard. "Of course, sir. Anything specific you need my with?"

Jack stayed where he was, folding his hands over his waistband, fingers entwined as he watched Ianto with intent. A lot of intent. Ianto could not for the life of him find any way out that would let him ignore that intent. Although, if Jack stuck to the eye-fucking, he might be able to. As long as it wasn't followed up by his usual heavy innuendo laden comments.

It just wasn't Ianto's lucky day.

"I've been thinking," Jack began.

"Now, sir," Ianto replied with a twist of his lips. "That might be a dangerous thing to do"

Jack's eyebrows went up, the eyes almost shining with barely contained amusement. Licking his lips, he watched Ianto squirm for a moment. "I'm inclined to agree, Ianto," he finally said, moving to his feet in a fast fluent motion, a few steps bringing him around to Ianto's side of the desk. "Still, aren't you the least interested in what I've thought of?"

Ianto fought himself to not take a step back, to let Jack see how unsettled he really was. He always played it cool when Jack pulled some come-on out of his sleeve. He wondered if that was what made Jack do it time and time again. The fact that Ianto didn't simply give in.

"Very, well sir, I'll bite," he said, realizing too late that his choice of words might not have been the wisest.

"You will?" Jack asked, his voice dropping huskily as he leaned closer to Ianto, close enough for his breath to warm Ianto's face. "That's an interesting fact about you, Ianto Jones. One I would like very much to combine with what I've been thinking about."

"Is that so, sir?" Ianto forced out, trying to get his heart to slow down, although he could feel the heat in his gut and the sweat on his upper lip.

"I actually want to ask you something," Jack continued, going off on another tangent. It was one of the things that always took Ianto by surprise. No one seemed to think as non-linearly as Jack who seemed to be jumping from one thought to another without any sense of logic to it.

"Ianto Jones," Jack continued, leaning impossibly closer, almost touching Ianto's body. "I wonder if you would yell my name when I push inside you or if you will still be calling me 'sir' when I make you come."

Ianto froze at the completely unveiled question and for a moment he could do nothing but stare at Jack.

"Huh," Jack said, tilting his head, licking along Ianto's upper lip. Ianto didn't even have the sense of survival to pull back. "You're sweating, but it's not out of fear," Jack mumbled. "I can smell your arousal, I can taste it."

A hand cupped Ianto's crotch, and because it was so outrageous, he didn't even pull back. Actually, much to his own embarrassment, he found himself pushing forward, into the hand.

"I think it's safe to say that my little experiment has been carried out with a success rate of 100%," Jack mumbled hotly.

This at least made Ianto draw in his breath and take a step back, even if it was a little late for it. "Is that all I am to you, sir?" he asked, trying to control his burst of anger. He should have known that someone like Jack Harkness would only be going for him like this because Ianto had been refusing to give in at first. "You're doing this because I haven't given into your come-ons? Maybe I should have let you bend me over the desk on the first day, just to get it over with."

Jack took a step back, staring at him with surprise. "You really think that's why I'm doing this?" he asked quietly, the heat banked for the moment.

Ianto's resolve wavered.

"I needed to be sure that you were interested," Jack continued. "You are, aren't you?"

Ianto ran a hand through his hair, feeling completely out of his depth. How could he explain to Jack that he wasn't completely uninterested? "I've never let anyone do that to me," he found himself admitting in a small voice.

"What?" Jack asked curiously, taking a step forward, then another when Ianto didn't move back. He even went as far as reaching out, resting his hand lightly on Ianto's hip. "Don't tell me you've never had sex with another guy."

"I have," Ianto admitted, fighting off the rush of heat to his face. "I just don't bottom."

Jack's laughter took him by surprise, firing up his anger again. Ianto shook his head and turned toward the door to leave. He didn't get very far, as Jack grabbed his shoulder and the hand on his hip tightened almost painfully.

"I'm not picky," Jack said as he turned them around, pulling Ianto with him until he was backed up against his own desk, holding Ianto close enough to fit their bodies perfectly together. "I like it either way, but I can't promise you I'll be calling you 'sir' when you fuck me."

Ianto just stared at him, trying to catalogue the strangeness of being plastered against Jack's body. He couldn't quite help pushing forward a little, feeling the hardness of Jack's erection through both their clothes. Not to speak of his own constricted by his trousers.

"Everyone's gone home, Ianto."

Ianto swallowed hard. "That they have, sir."

"Jack," Jack said quietly as slid his hand from Ianto's arm up along his shoulder, to grasp his jaw. "I think it's better if you call me Jack." With that, he licked at Ianto's lips, pushing his tongue between them.

Ianto groaned and couldn't stop himself from opening his mouth, sucking on Jack's tongue. Nor would he dream of not following Jack's other hand, the one that had slid from his hip to the small of his back, pressing him forward.

The groan that Jack let out only made Ianto push harder, his own hands finally coming into play. He pushed Jack's braces down over his shoulders, fighting a little with Jack, who was obviously not interested in letting go of him.

Ianto managed to pull back a little, breathing heavily as he rested his head against Jack's shoulder. "Are you serious?" he asked, his voice scarily rusty in its tone.

Jack leaned back and Ianto lifted his head, trying to focus on Jack's face. For once there was no smirk, just a slightly lopsided grin, surprisingly soft. Jack didn't answer, but Ianto figured it was okay. It was an answer of sorts as Jack reached between them, undoing Ianto's pants, pushing the fly open, then did the same with his own trousers. All the while he kept his eyes locked with Ianto's.

Before pushing his own trousers down, Jack reached inside the pocket, pulling out the square packet of a condom and a small bottle.

Ianto shook his head and a small laugh escaped him. "Did you plan this?" he asked. He wasn't even sure how he'd react to a 'yes.'

"I've been carrying some variety of this around since the day you started working here," Jack admitted, winking at him. "I seriously wanted you any way I could get you."

"And if I'd never given in?" Ianto asked breathlessly as he stared at the small square. "I might never have said yes."

"I'd have learned to live with it," Jack replied theatrically, but Ianto didn't miss the gleam in his eyes.

"Bull shit," Ianto snorted, taking a step back, grabbing the condom before he could change his mind and took the bottle as well, placing it on the desk.

Jack bit his lower lip, obviously fighting a laugh of his own. "So, how do you want me?" Waggling his eyebrows he pushed his own trousers all the way down, taking the underwear along for the ride. "Bent over the desk?"

For a moment Ianto didn't answer. He was completely focused on pushing Jack's shirt up, staring at Jack's cock while he unconsciously licked his lips.

"Well?" Jack asked, breaking Ianto's zone out. Someday, maybe, Ianto thought, he could imagine taking that... "You change your mind?" Jack asked, amusement evident in his tone of voice.

Ianto managed to shake his head, pushing his own trouser down. Staring into Jack's eyes, he pushed him back, and Jack got the idea, sitting on the desk, trying to kick his boots off as well as his trousers.

Shaking his head, Ianto took hold of the trousers and wrestles them off, leaving the boots on. It shouldn't turn him on the way it did, but having Jack, on his back on the desk, legs in the air, boots still on? His entire body was burning.

"Now, that's nice," Jack muttered, leaning up on his elbows, staring at Ianto's cock. Looking down, Ianto realized that his shirt was in no way covering him. With a shrug he slipped off his jacket, throwing it heedlessly behind himself, grabbing the lube as Jack undid his shirt, trying to reach inside.

Ianto pushed him back and undid Jack's shirt, one-handily in return, watching it fall open as Jack lay back down, watching him with so much heat in his eyes. Steeling himself, Ianto uncapped the bottle and coated his fingers in the cool gel-like lube.

Jack's body was incredibly hot inside as Ianto pushed in a finger. Then he added another and he was sure he'd never heard a human making the noises that were escaping Jack. He should have known that Jack would be a vocal lover.

"God, Ianto, please." The begging, Ianto thought in a moment of insanity, might be all he would need to get off. Biting his lower lip, he forced himself to prepare Jack thoroughly. That was the least he could do since Jack was so nicely presenting himself for Ianto's pleasure.

"You're doing it on purpose," Jack growled under his breath, leaning up on his elbows again, sweat coating his face and upper body. "Just put on the rubber and fuck me some time this millennium."

Ianto stopped, three fingers buried inside of Jack. He wriggled them a little, watching Jack's body jolt on the desk. "I'm obviously doing something wrong if you're still capable of complaining."

"Just fuck me already," Jack panted, glaring at him.

Ianto pulled his fingers out, none too gently and grinned evilly at Jack's moan. "Patience," he said huskily as he ripped open the condom package, his hands not shaking as much as he had expected them to.

"I don't want to be patient," Jack growled, finally lying back on the desk. "I want to get fucked."

"Impatient bastard," Ianto muttered as he tried to roll on the condom. It took a moment or two, but finally he could coat his cock with lube, pushing Jack's legs apart and up to rest over his own shoulders.

"Finally," Jack managed to get out before his voice broke into a moan. Ianto clenched his teeth and grabbed his cock, pushing the head through the tight opening.

It had been so long since he'd done this. Jack wasn't fragile in any way, at least not physically and even if the edge of his boots were chafing Ianto's shoulders, well... even that made Ianto's body hum with pleasure.

Jack panted as he reached up, grabbing Ianto's head, pulling him forward and down. Ianto didn't even think of fighting it and simply slid right into Jack's body, as if it existed only to fit around Ianto's cock.

The kiss was awkward because of the angle, but it felt so good, so feral. Finally, Ianto pulled back, trying to catch his bearings.

"Move, please," Jack said, his voice sounding like broken glass.

Ianto swallowed hard and curled his fingers around Jack's kneecaps, shifted his feet as far apart as his trousers allowed and pulled his cock almost all the way out. Slamming it back in was obviously what Jack wanted, judging from the drawn yelp and look of pure bliss on Jack's face.

Vocally didn't even come close to describing Jack as Ianto began moving, trying to keep a fast rhythm. It would have worked if it hadn't been so long since he'd had sex and if Jack hadn't been so tight.

"Come on, Ianto," Jack growled. "A little bit more."

Ianto didn't have the breath to reply to that, but he reached between them, finally grasping Jack's cock, jerking it roughly as he pushed into Jack two more times. He might even have been able to hold out for a thrust or two more, but it seemed Jack was even closer than he was. Jack's vocal orgasm and the arching of his body seemed to wring Ianto's own release out of him. He couldn't match Jack's yell, but a long drawn out moan escaped him before he collapsed on top of Jack, heaving for air.

Somewhere along the line, he slipped from Jack's body and Jack's legs slid off his shoulders. Ianto didn't really notice until at some point, he resurfaced and found Jack running his fingers through Ianto's sweat matted hair.

The smile on Jack's face was surprisingly smirk-free and very sated.

"I can't wait to see what you might be like in bed," Jack said quietly.

"So I don't get to decide that this is a one off?" Ianto asked, the sex completely stripping his voice of its usual sarcasm. Something that didn't escape Jack's notice either.

"Oh, this is just the beginning," Jack said happily, keeping up his petting movements, his other hand resting possessively on Ianto's shoulder. "I like you mellowed out."

Ianto winced as he pulled back, the already drying semen gluing their skin together. "If that is so, I better start having a spare suit around here."

Jack snorted as he sat up, kicking the heels of his boots against the desk. "You're already got that," he said with a grin. "But you can't just put that on."

"No?" Ianto asked curiously. He wondered where this insanity would lead him, but even if it should scare him, he was quite intrigued by Jack's playfulness. Somehow it made him feel more alive. And it would of course be far more of a challenge than any ordinary relationship could ever be.

"You're too neat to just put it on without a shower first." Jack bit his lower lip, staring at Ianto's chest. Then the gaze slid lower and the grin widened.

"Are you offering?" Ianto asked wondering if Jack's insanity was catching, because he was fairly sure there was no previous outbreak of lunacy in his own family.

"I'm not offering," Jack said happily as he jumped down off the desk, wincing as his damp skin stuck to the surface. Ianto thought it only fitting. After all, Jack had been the one to instigate the sex. He walked Ianto backwards and Ianto immediately regretted trying to keep in step.

Almost falling over backwards as he had forgotten the trousers still caught around his ankles, Ianto yelped, staring up into Jack's laughing face as the other man caught him before he could hit the cold floor.

"I'm insisting that you, Ianto Jones, join me, Captain Jack Harkness, in the showers" Jack mumbled as he kept Ianto dipped over backwards for a moment, then quickly swinging him back to his feet.

The sudden movement made Ianto dizzy, but at least Jack kept his hold on him and Ianto really wasn't going to complain in any way. Not even about the hand molesting one arse cheek.

The End