Five (false) Rumors about Vulcans

Pairing: James T. Kirk/Spock
Category: 5 things, humor
Summary: Five rumors about Vulcans that are either false, or Jim Kirk proves to be, well, not quite true.
Notes: A writing exercise because damn, I need to get out of this writer's block.

5. Vulcans have no sense of humor
Had anyone asked Jim, right after he took his place as Captain of the Enterprise, to list the people in his closest command crew in order by how much of a sense of humor they possessed, Spock would have been at the bottom of that list. Hell, he wouldn't even be on said list.

On more than one occasion, Jim had heard Spock claim that Vulcans had no sense of humor, as humor was illogical. And Jim agreed, Spock was a stiff, boring and humorless individual.

A month into their first mission, Jim was forced to change his mind, though. One Monday, midways through alpha shift, he realized that in reality, Spock had the wickedest sense of humor ever.

From that moment on, Jim didn't hold back. He ignored the dirty looks that Uhura shot him because she thought he was being rude to her (at this point) ex-boyfriend.

And it clicked, they clicked. The give and take of the perfect relationship between him and Spock. The old Ambassador Spock had hinted at it, even, in Jim's mind, promised him it would happen.

The barrier gone, it was no longer an uphill struggle to work around his first, it became almost organic when Jim got his head out of his ass and realized just what a kick-ass, cool first commanding officer he had under him (figuratively speaking, of course!).

Not to mention that Spock was the only other crew member who could piss Bones off as much as Jim did.

4. Friendships are considered illogical
Jim stupidly thought that at this point, he could have Spock's friendship, which was all he wanted, because that perfect working relationship would make his job as captain so much easier. Not to mention he wanted what his alternate self had had.

Of course, Spock told him that a friendship between them would be illogical, that it would compromise them.

Jim knew he'd gotten cocky, thinking he could just barge into this friendship thing. He shouldn't have been surprised, because Spock took great care to protect himself from the outside world. It wasn't going to stop Jim from keeping at it, pounding on all those defenses until Spock damned well let him in.

Sure, it took two weeks, three days, and hours and minutes that Spock could probably account for, but Jim wore Spock down, eventually.

"You are an infuriating individual," Spock said in a low voice, his eyes dark as he watched Jim from across the floor-mat in the training room.

"Oh, you have no idea," Jim said, feeling pride at Spock's words.

"Tenacious, infuriating, incapable of knowing when to stop," Spock listed.

"Flatterer," Jim said with a laugh, launching himself at Spock, realizing his folly with a laugh as it was like hitting a brick wall and resulted in him hitting the mat, ass first, with a loud 'oomph'.

Staring up at Spock, Jim's laugh softened. "You're my friend, Spock. Whether you want it or not, I care about you, I like you and while you think this will compromise me, compromise us as a command team... Spock, I can't change that. I would lay down my life for any and all of my crew. You included."

Spock just stood there, hands behind his back, staring down at Jim with a completely emotionless face. Then there was a shift in his demeanor.

"I understand that there is no swaying you," he said.

"Nope," Jim said with a smile.

"Fascinating," Spock said, turning to leave.

"Hey, does that mean you yield?" Jim asked cheekily.

Spock turned back to look at him, raising an eyebrow. "Were I to do so, I would deny you the thrill of the hunt," he replied, his lips twitching.

Jim whooped as he let himself all back on the mat, laughing as Spock left him with a shake of the head. "Chase, Spock, chase," he whispered breathlessly to no one.

3. Vulcans are not touchy feely
After another few months, Jim noticed a trend, possibly because whenever it happened and anyone else was near, they would stare with surprise on their faces.

Eventually Bones pulled him aside and asked what exactly was going on.

"I have no idea what you're referring to," Jim said with a frown. "If you can be a little more specific?"

McCoy stared at him, then shook his head in wonder. "You really don't know, do you? You and the hobgoblin?"

Jim blinked quickly. "Are you so stressed you've stopped making sense to the rest of us?" he asked curiously, a little worried about his friend.

A worry that only grew when McCoy sat back in his seat, laughing loudly, tears of mirth in his eyes.

"Okay, now I'm really worried about you, Bones," Jim said, trying to be heard over McCoy's laughter.

"Jim, Jim, Jim," McCoy said, drying his eyes with his sleeve, "have you forgotten what you've learned in xenobiology?"

Jim shrugged. "About what?"

"About Vulcans," McCoy replied. "About the fact that where humans tend to be tactile creatures, Vulcans are most decidedly not, because they're touch telepaths and their private sphere is a lot bigger than the human equivalent."

"And, why is this so funny?" Jim asked slowly.

"Jim, I've lost track of how many times I've seen you touch Spock on the arm, put a hand on his back to urge him to proceed you through a doorway, and while I know that's natural for you, I have never seen Spock flinch or try to get you to stop," McCoy said, his laughter down to a broad smile now.

"So he can handle me doing that, why's that so funny? He's used to me by now," Jim said with a shrug. "I mean, we're friends."

"Jim..., don't tell me you haven't noticed that Spock does exactly the same to you, but around anyone else, he keeps his distance?"

Jim opened his mouth to argue, then shut it again. Opened it a second time, only to find himself just as lost for words.

With a groan he sat back in the seat, running a hand through his hair. "I may possibly hate you," he told McCoy, though this only made his friend laugh again.

2. Vulcans only have sex every seven years
"A biological imperative?" Jim said slowly, repeating himself for the fourth time in as many minutes.

Spock's glare told him that a fifth time would be fatal. "It is not something Vulcans discuss with non-Vulcans," he said stiffly.

"Uh, huh," Jim said with a small nod. "I mean, I can see how it might be awkward to talk about sex and sexual needs if you're as much into self control and logic as you are."

"Sex is not the issue," Spock said, if possible, looking as if he'd sucked a lemon without actually changing the look on his face. "Sex is a perfectly logical endeavor. The... loss of control, however..."

"Yet you're having this conversation with me, right now," Jim argued, "and I'm not Vulcan."

Spock drew a deep breath and it almost hurt Jim to watch him so distressed. Few would be able to tell but Jim had by now learned to read Spock very well.

"I shall need your help in returning to the Vulcan colony," he said quietly, "so that I may... if possible, find a way to quell the fire in my blood."

Jim stared at him. "Let me get this straight," he said, watching Spock like a hawk. If he played his cards wrong, he could cause so much irreparable damage. "You want me to take you to the Vulcan colony so that you can have sex."

Spock's stiff demeanor said it all.

"It would take us at least a week to get there," Jim said, "not to mention we'd have to tell Starfleet something and I'm guessing the truth is not what you want to share with them."

The pain in Spock's eyes made Jim sigh deeply.

"It will take us eight days, five hours and thirty-five minutes," Spock replied, "at the maximum safe speed."

Jim nodded. Then he stopped, staring at Spock, hardening his own emotions, steeling his nerves. "How long do you have until you do yourself damage fighting this?" he asked.

"Less," Spock admitted.

"So this is just a one off?" Jim asked curiously, recalling the crazy, but simple plan he'd already devised. "Just a one-time imperative?"

"It happens to adult Vulcans every seven years," Spock said tonelessly. As if he was reporting the ship's status to Jim. "A leftover ancient urge to mate, to procreate."

Jim started. "You only have sex every seven years?"

Spock gave him the look he normally reserved for new personnel who had yet to learn the basics of working on a starship.

"You said it only happens every seven years," Jim said defensively as he leaned back against his desk.

"I said the biological imperative, the burning itself, the Plak Tow, only occurs every seven years," Spock replied. "Although Vulcans are not as sexually active as many humans, we do not believe in abstinence between cycles."

"Are you calling me a sexual overachiever?" Jim asked with a laugh. Spock of all people knew just how rarely Jim gave into any physical advances. Sure, he flirted, but he was generally too busy to contemplate having sex with anyone. Well, contemplate he did - but since he couldn't very well tell Spock that he wanted him....

"I was referring to other members of the crew, Jim," Spock said in a low voice, the gleam of amusement clear in his eyes. Even considering the seriousness of the situation, Spock seemed more or less at ease.

Jim sniggered. "I know what and who you're referring to," he admitted. Taking a deep breath, he sobered. "But Spock... even with the loss of control, a sexual marathon isn't the worst thing that can happen - if you plan around it."

"Jim, I cannot simply have sex with just anyone," Spock said, his gaze dropping to the floor. "I would fear hurting my partner not to mention that Pon Farr is meant to strengthen a bond already in existence or at least, create one."

"Is this the bondmate thing that Ambassador Spock," Jim began, then caught the movement as Spock looked up, his eyes burning into Jim's. "Erm..., that Ambassador Spock may... or may not have mentioned?" The last words came out a mere squeak.

"The old man should not interfere," Spock said, his voice barely a whisper, but Jim caught it loud and clear.

"That old man is..." Jim said, biting off the rest, realizing that he was digging his own grave deeper and deeper. "Ah, yeah, um."

Spock watched him for ages, neither of them saying anything, neither of the moving.

"He said the Jim Kirk of his timeline was his bondmate," Jim said in a rush, almost as one long garbled word.

"Jim, do not play with this as if it were a game," Spock warned, "Pon Farr is very real and very violent."

"Even if we nip it in the bud?" Jim asked quietly, watching as Spock took one step forward, seemingly not noticing himself.

Spock tilted his head to the side.

Jim leaned back a little further, spreading his legs a little more and smirked when Spock's gaze flickered down to his crotch. He lifted one hand slowly, slid it over to the small console embedded in his desk, initiating the subroutine he'd programmed when he'd first spoken with Ambassador Spock about Pon Farr, almost a year earlier.

A small program was initiated. It locked his door, sent a message to McCoy, giving him a few details as well as telling him not to interfere and await a message from the Vulcan colony. Another message was sent off to Ambassador Spock, who would take care of the legalities, of keeping Starfleet off Jim's back for a few days, not to mention soothe McCoy's soon to be ruffled feathers.

Part of the program string issued orders for the command crew and Jim was damned glad that they were on star charting duty, because if the Ambassador was right, Jim wouldn't be back in his captain's seat for a few days. Hell, if they did this right, it might be a full week. Ambassador Spock had warned him that the first Pon Farr would probably be the strongest. Even if they got a head start on it, which was what he'd suggested to Jim.

"I believe it futile to tell you that you are playing with fire," Spock said, his voice having dropped a full octave.

"I know I am," Jim said, staying where he was, letting Spock make the decision. "But if you're willing to take the chance, then so am I."

Spock closed the distance between them, standing between Jim's thighs, heat coming off his body in waves, his lips lightly parted as he watched Jim, much like a predator would watch its prey.

Jim shivered, but didn't move.

1. Vulcans are not creatures of passion
Spock's mouth covered his, the initial contact light for a few seconds. A guttural rumble escaped Spock and Jim found himself flat on the desk, the two PADDs that had been on the surface swept to the floor.

Pinned to the desk by Spock's body, Jim allowed himself a small grin. When Spock nipped at his neck in retaliation for that, Jim whined deep in his throat. His whole body felt as if it was burning, his cock trying to get out of his pants all on its own.

"Damn it, Spock!" Jim moaned when Spock sucked on his neck, nipping and licking as well. "If this is the early stages of Pon Farr," he began.

Spock lifted his head and stared down at Jim, his eyes shining with mirth. "I believe I should warn you that this," he said, dipping down to lick along Jim's neck, "is what you do to me, not what Pon Farr is making me do."

"Oh," Jim said, body shaking as he lifted his legs and wrapped them around Spock's waist, sliding his hands up under Spock's shirt, feeling nothing but the heat and strength of muscles. "Could have told me earlier," he grinned. "We could have been doing this for ages already."

"And deny the thrill of the chase?" Spock asked, rolling his hips against Jim's.

Eyes rolling back, Jim cried out. Panting he forced his eyes open again, mock-glaring at Spock. "Just for that, you're going to make it up to me by screwing me through the mattress," he panted.

"All in good time," Spock replied, lips against Jim's neck, breath hot as a desert storm and voice as sinfully deep as the best fantasy Jim had ever imagined. So full of promise. "I take it you have taken measures for this?" Spock didn't sound annoyed, if anything, there was still a note of mild amusement in his voice.

"Oh yeah," Jim said with a sigh as he lifted his hips, or tried to, though Spock kept him pinned good and well to the desk. "There'll be no interruptions unless we hit read alert."

"Doctor McCoy will have your head," Spock told him conversationally.

Jim laughed out loud. "That may be, but he won't risk getting an eyeful unless the ship's internal sensors tell him that either of us are in danger."

Spock rumbled wordlessly against his skin and there was no mistaking the twitch against Jim's own cock.

"Oh, for the love of," Jim said with a groan. "You actually get off on the idea of..."

Spock silenced him with his mouth, covering Jim's, doing his level best to eat Jim alive. Breaking the kiss, he breathed heavily against Jim's lips. "Do not finish that sentence," Spock warned him, fingers bruising Jim's ass as he was suddenly lifted off the surface of the desk and held in place as Spock made his way over to Jim's bed.

"Finish what sentence?" Jim asked cheekily as he arched up against Spock when he was pressed down against the bed.

The rumbled approval only made Jim laugh out loud, which earned him a bite to the shoulder.

Looked like the chase was finally over.

The End