Category: Valentine's Day, smut, porn, humor, snark
Summary: What do you get a guy like Mal for Valentine's Day?
Notes: This is all done in fun and because I didn't want to do some sweet Valentine's fic this year. I'm not saying this is what would happen on the show, but darn it, I wanted some threesome sex so who care?
Thanks to: Audaxfemina and luna_61 for their betaing work.
And to audaxfemina and nicci_mac for throwing title-ideas at me LOL
Mal ducked as a snowball went flying over his head and he hid a grin. "You're gonna knock someone's eye out and Simon's gonna get pissed," he yelled.
Turning around he found, of all people, Simon looking guiltily at him.
"Ooops," the doctor mumbled.
Mal just raised an eyebrow and Simon retreated to where River was keeping Kaylee pinned down with a volley of snowballs.
Shaking his head, Mal grinned. Doc wasn't so bad, but if Kaylee didn't move soon, Mal figured Jayne would. Hell, if he hadn't been the captain, he'd make a move. Not like he or Jayne carried romantic feelings for the kid, but it was hard not to notice the prettiness and the tight ass...
Turning his head, he found Jayne watching him with a dirty grin.
If Jayne got his hands on the kid, he'd be spoiled. Not in a bad way, tho'. Mal knew first hand that Jayne was as competent in bed as he were with any of his weapons. Gorram good stress-relief, too.
Mal's eyes dropped to the snowball Jayne was making. Or maybe ice ball was more apt. He gave Jayne a stern look and shook his head. The pout on Jayne's face told him that he'd managed to prevent at least that injury.
To think he'd been reluctant to let everyone outside while they were waiting for Monty to meet them? He was glad he'd eventually agreed, because everyone were rosy cheeked and laughing. Did his crew good, he had to admit, to horse around out under the open sky.
- Mal? Wash's voice ran clearly from the radio above the ramp.
Mal stalked up the ramp and hit the reply button. "Yeah?"
- Got a wave from Monty, they'll be delayed a couple of hours.
Frowning Mal pushed reply again. "Something happen?"
- Nah, they blew a machine part and had to replace it.
Mal sighed. "Well, we'll stay here if there are no indications we've been spotted."
"Who the hell should spot us on this frozen rock?" Jayne's voice drifted up from somewhere outside.
- Sure thing, Mal. The Shepherd asked me to say dinner would be ready in half an hour.
"Thanks, Wash," Mal said, stepping back down the ramp. With a piercing whistle, he got everyone's attention. "We're gonna be stuck here for a bit -- Monty's delayed. Dinner's in half an hour," he reeled off.
Mal stepped aside as River chased Kaylee up the ramp, both of them drenched from rolling in the snow. Simon followed behind them at a more sedate pace and for a moment it looked like he was going to say something, then changed his mind and hurried past Mal. Snow was melting in his hair and Mal figured one of the girls had gotten him well and good with a snowball. Or two.
Staring after Simon, Mal shook his head. He should know better than... A flicker of a shadow and Mal felt the warm bulk hit him, carrying him over the edge of the ramp and into a big snow drift.
"Gorram hún dàn," Mal growled as he fought the weight of Jayne that crashed down on top of him.
Jayne's laughter was low and deep and it sent shivers down Mal's spine. Shivers that had nothing to do with the snow soaking his clothes.
He should've worn his coat...
One strong thigh was pushed between Mal's and with a moan Mal arched against it. There were days where he hated that Jayne could do this to him. Then there were days where he considered it a damned fine skill.
"Come on, Mal," Jayne growled in his ear. "You gotta be as hard as I am after watchin' the Doc swingin' his ass up the ramp."
Mal felt his own growl switch to laughter as he wrestled Jayne around, the wet, white snow cocooning them, creating a little private space. The fingers that had been digging into his skin, hard enough to leave bruises, flexed and Jayne slid his hands down to grab Mal's ass, holding on as he reversed their roll, coming back up on top.
Arching, Mal decided he didn't give a ruttin' damn who was on top this time, as long as he could get the right... He moaned as their bodies surged together. It took less time than he'd expected before Jayne buried his face against his neck with a low growl, biting into Mal's skin, through the shirt he was wearing.
The shot of pain wrapped itself around Mal's pleasure-addled brain and he lost his own control. "Go se," he muttered as he felt the heat spread in his pants. Then again, getting it over with fast probably wasn't such a bad idea. Their bunks were far better for this type of fun.
They could technically freeze off an extremity or two and Mal wasn't sure how to ask Simon to re-attach 'em...
Mal smacked his hand flat against Jayne's heaving side. "Off, you big oaf. It's getting too ruttin' cold out here for this."
Jayne's laugh was muffled by Mal's shirt "But it's so much fun," Jayne said as he lifted his head, face flushed and eyes shining with their usual madness.
"We're takin' this inside, now," Mal said, his teeth chattering more with each word.
"Aye, aye, Capt'n," Jayne said with a smirk, got to his feet and gave Mal a hand up.
Mal looked down himself as they went up the ramp. At least the wet spot at the crotch wasn't more telling than the rest of his clothes. He was soaked to the skin and he couldn't wait to get some dry clothes on.
Mal shared a smirk with Jayne. "Don't worry, Zoë. It was just a little friendly tussle in the snow," Mal said innocently.
Zoë leaned against the control console, hitting the button to close the doors as Mal and Jayne walked through. Arching an eyebrow she shook her head. "You better go get changed or you'll both catch your deaths."
Jayne just laughed, an easy smile gracing his face.
"We're headin' there," Mal said, holding up his hands. "Heard more from Monty?" he asked as the three of them walked up the metal stairs.
"ETA in two hours," Zoë said, still eyeing them with a speculative look.
"Good," Mal said with a jaunty smile. "Gives us plenty of time to change and get somethin' to eat."
Zoë nodded, and Mal didn't miss the look on her face. He'd eventually be answering to his and Jayne's 'tussles' -- each and every one of them. What could he say? He didn't have the heart or the control to turn Jayne down when he wanted a little relief and fun.
Actually, he figured that Zoë hadn't mentioned it when it had started months back because Mal had been much easier going because of it. He wasn't stupid, though. She'd eventually corner him, give him the pros and cons of such a ...relationship. Probably mostly the cons.
Zoë continued toward the cockpit and Mal keyed open the hatch to his bunk. He turned his head a little and caught Jayne's questioning look.
"When get back out," Mal said with a smirk, "I want somethin' to eat, or do you want me to pass out in the middle of 'tussle'?"
Jayne grinned. "Nah, gotta keep you well-fed. I want my fun, you know."
Mal glared at him as he climbed down the ladder. "I knew it, you only want me for my stamina."
"And your tight pants," Jayne said from somewhere halfway down his own ladder.
Mal just grinned and closed the hatch over his head.
Mal sank into his seat at the table, giving Kaylee a nod of thanks as she handed him a full plate. As much as they all took their turns cooking, the Shepherd was most definitely the best at it.
"Mmm," he sighed as he inhaled the smell of it. Mal could cook, but he'd never mastered the art of making protein taste like anything but... protein -- with salt.
"So, as I was saying," Book continued his conversation with Simon, as he handed over the bowl of potatoes. "Saint Valentine was beheaded because the Emperor had forbidden the marriage of soldiers, and as a priest, Saint Valentine continued to do so... against orders."
"Why couldn't soldiers get m
arried?" Kaylee put in, spearing a piece of meat onto her plate before handing the rest of it over to Mal.
"The Roman Emperor seemed to think that married soldiers didn't fight as well as single ones," Book said. "At least that's what the books say."
"But a man who fights for his home and family would fight harder, wouldn't he?" Wash asked as he slipped into his seat next to Zoë.
"Who knows what drove the people to do such things back then," Book said with shake of his head.
"But from what I recall," Simon put in, "Saint Valentine's day was celebrated as a day of... love?"
Book nodded with a smile. "Yes, that's true. But not until much later."
"Love?" Kaylee was almost bouncing in her seat and Mal hid a smile.
"I think..." Simon began, giving Kaylee a nervous smile. "I think back on Earth-that-was, people gave someone they loved a token of affection."
Mal noticed that Jayne seemed to be listening intently. He wondered if he should be worried.
"Token?" Kaylee asked, giving Simon a long, adoring look.
"Jewelry?" Inara asked, curiously.
"I believe that was it as well," Book said.
"Flowers too, I think," Simon added.
Mal wondered why they never had normal conversations at their dinner table. Yesterday it had been juggling geese, today it was beheading of priests... though come to think of it, he kinda liked that one.
Then again, he figured anything that didn't piss anyone off was a good topic. No matter how odd it may be.
"And when is this day?" Inara asked.
"I believe it's the day after tomorrow," Book said after some thinking. He looked over at River who had been following the conversation with great interest. "Would that fit with the current calendar?"
River seemed to give it some thought, then nodded. "Close enough," she agreed.
Mal figured Simon had her on the good stuff, because she seemed more than civil today. Almost normal. Or at least as normal as his crew could be considered.
The rest of dinner was eaten with the usual chatter, and Mal soon forgot the talk about tokens of love and affection.
Monty finally landed nearby and they got their shipment and its destination.
"So, no new wifey?" Mal asked with a grin as they shook hands before both taking their leave.
Their breaths were white puffs in the air and Mal shivered a little. He was more used to hot, desert-like planets.
Monty chuckled, his huge frame shaking a little. "After the last time? I wouldn't dare. And you, Mal? Gotten hitched again?"
Mal snorted. "No, but I've gotten healthily paranoid," he said with a grin.
Monty's laugh rolled across the snow clad landscape and Mal had to laugh too. If for no other reason than Monty's laugh being damned contagious.
"Don't be a stranger," Mal said when his laughter trailed off. "And be careful out there."
"You too, Mal," Monty said in a low voice. "You too."
With a last hand shake Mal turned and trudged up the ramp. The doors closed behind him and he activated the comm. "Take her up, Wash."
- Aye, aye, came the cheery reply and Mal felt Serenity hum around him as she left the ground, fighting off gravity.
All that talk about getting hitched and giving gifts to people was far from Mal's mind a few days later as he strolled along the quiet walkway on his way to his own bunk. Or possibly Jayne's... he hadn't quite decided yet. The itch was there, but it wasn't unbearable.
The clatter of boots alerted him to the presence of one of his crewmembers and a moment later, Wash came around the corner at a higher speed than normally. Mal raised an eyebrow when he noticed the look on Wash's face.
"Wash? Something wrong?" he asked. "The ship ain't bein' torn apart or some such?"
Wash shook his head and looked as if he was trying to figure out what to say to Mal.
"I um..., Capt'n, sir... um..." Wash trailed off and strangled a laugh. Mal thought it had a slightly hysterical edge to it.
"Has someone done something?" Mal hedged. If it weren't about Serenity, it was pretty obviously about one of her crew.
"You might say that," Wash forced out, looking a little relieved. "I've gotta head for the engine room... but you might want to take a deep, calming, Zen-like breath before you go down to your bunk."
With that, Wash fled as fast as he could.
"Huh..." Mal scratched the back of his head. He didn't normally lock his bunk when they were out here in the black. Wasn't necessary. As he made his way toward the hatch, he wondered if he'd need to start locking it in the future.
Mal rolled his eyes when he caught himself taking that deep, cleansing breath Wash had been babbling about. "Down the rabbit's hole," he muttered to himself before climbing down the ladder, belatedly wondering if he should've brought a gun.
Setting his foot down on the floor, Mal did for a moment wonder if he'd taken the wrong hatch down...
"Jayne?" he asked in a calm voice. Hey, it wasn't easy faking calm when he was torn between asking what the gorram hell was going on, and laughing his ass off.
"Mal." Jayne was leaning against Mal's bunk.
Mal looked down at Simon. "He's gonna blow a gasket if we don't untie him now," Mal said conversationally.
"Reckon he would," Jayne agreed.
"Figure he'll blow anyway if we do, though," Mal added. He hadn't failed to notice the dark, angry looks that Simon was sending him. "Jayne..." Mal began. As much as the pranks Jayne and Simon would play on each other were kinda entertaining, this was getting a mite outta hand.
"It's one of them Valentine's tokens," Jayne said with a huge grin.
It would've been sweet if not for the nature of this whole situation... Mal leaned down to Simon, wondering if he was going insane for even imagining the fun they could have.
"You gonna blow if we untie you?" he asked.
Simon made an odd guttural noise and twisted in his ropes. The look he shot Mal told him... yes.
Mal put a hand on Simon's hip, rubbing his thumb back and forth. "You know what the big oaf here has in mind for you?"
Simon's eyes darkened impossibly, but Mal was pretty sure that this time it wasn't just anger.
"Yes or no?" he asked, his thumb rubbing a little harder, feeling the sharpness of one hipbone.
"Aw, Mal!" Jayne exclaimed.
"Yes or no?" Mal repeated, ignoring Jayne's antics.
Simon slowly moved his head up and down, the strange shine to his eyes making Mal feel really odd. Not bad odd, just... odd.
"Oh, shiny," Jayne grinned. He sat down on the bunk, pulling Simon up to his knees, holding him back against his chest.
Simon twisted and tried to speak around the gag.
"Huh?" Mal reached out and tugged the gag out. "Yeah?"
Simon swallowed a few times, obviously a bit dry. "What about my hands?"
Jayne's hands slid around Simon's waist and down to the top button of his pants.
Mal took a step forward, one knee on the bunk, bringing him flush against Simon's chest. "Dunno, Doc. Could be fun with the hands tied."
Simon's breath was heavy and warm against Mal's lips when he spoke. "I- I want to touch too..."
Mal ran his hands along Simon's arms, around to the back. He turned his head a little, catching Jayne's grin. Mal figured it was good Simon couldn't see the light reflecting off Jayne's huge knife just before it sliced the ropes around his ankles.
Twisting his head back a little, Mal slid his lips along Simon's jaw, feeling the light stubble. For a moment Simon's mouth was unresponsive, then it opened and Simon moaned.
"You always were a sucker for kissin'," Jayne growled, finally freeing Simon's hands.
Mal just groaned
and slipped his tongue inside. One of Simon's arms came around his waist, fingers digging into the small of his back. Mal slid his hands down the back of Simon's pants, feeling muscles flex under his fingers.
Simon arched against Mal, rising to his knees on the bunk as Jayne's hands gripped the zipper and yanked it down. Mal rose with him, swallowing Simon's deep moan as one of Jayne's hands slipped inside, while the other deftly undid Mal's pants.
Mal shifted a little forward, bringing himself flush against Simon, then leaned back again, tugging at Simon's shirt. Simon looked completely rumpled, eyes half-mast and mouth reddening from their kiss. Mal met Jayne's grin over Simon's shoulder and together they had Simon stripped in no time.
"What?" Simon said, rubbing back against Jayne as big hands swept teasingly down over his chest. "Am I the only one getting naked here?"
Mal laughed as Jayne pushed Simon toward him. He claimed Simon's grinning mouth with his own and squirmed to let Simon push his shirt off his shoulders. A moment later, Jayne pulled at Simon's shoulders again, and rubbed his naked body against Simon's back.
Simon let his head fall back against Jayne's shoulder, but he kept his eyes fixed on Mal. A dark eyebrow arched and Mal had to grin. "For a trussed up Valentine's package, you're being pretty pushy here, Doc."
"Quit the yabberin', Mal and get nekkid..." Jayne told him, sliding one hand down to grasp Simon's erection. "Or I'm gonna keep this little package all to myself."
"Who're you calling 'little'?" Simon snorted, a glint to his eyes.
Mal licked his own lips as he stood back, shrugging his shirt the rest of the way off.
"There's guns and then there's guns," Jayne grinned lewdly as his other hand gripped Simon's hip and pulled him hard back.
Simon's eyes widened and Mal laughed out loud. "Never try to compete with him on that," he warned Simon. "It's a lost cause."
Simon seemed to take that comment in stride and bent one arm back over his head, around Jayne's neck. "And you?" he asked mischievously.
Mal quirked a grin. "Well, I ain't no Jayne," he admitted as he shucked his own pants. His blood thrummed as he watched Simon licking his lips, eyes glued to Mal's crotch.
Rubbing his palm up and down his own cock, Mal took a step forward, putting his knee back up on the bunk. He had to take a deep breath as Simon let go of Jayne and leaned forward, until he was on all fours. With a grin up at Mal, he bent his head down and took Mal into his mouth.
"Kao!" Mal put a hand on either of Simon's shoulders, trying to steady himself. The leathery surface of the bunk was warming against his knee and shin, the floor was cool under his other foot and Simon's mouth was scorching hot.
Mal looked up to find Jayne watching them with rapt attention, his eyes slightly glazed. "You know where the slick is," he said in a low voice.
The sound that escaped Simon told Mal that there'd be no arguing from that direction. The moan vibrated around his erection as that clever tongue and mouth worked him in a way that he'd never have thought Simon could.
Jayne grinned and palmed Simon's ass a little roughly. "You okay with that, Doc?" he asked.
Simon's mouth slid up Mal's length and Mal buried his fingers in Simon's hair to get him back to what he was doing. Simon's fingers curled around the base of his cock and teased up and down, as he turned his head a little.
"You think I'd have turned my back on you like this if I didn't want it?" Simon asked sarcastically. "I may not always be on top of what's going on out here in the black, but I'm not stupid."
"Well, ye ain't on top here," Jayne growled, his grin widening.
The look on Simon's face as he tilted it up to look at Mal nearly made Mal lose it. The shine to those blue eyes carried their own kind of craziness.
Simon just winked at him, then bowed his head to take Mal back in.
Jayne rummaged through the box at the foot of Mal's bunk and pulled a bottle up. Quick and efficient as always, Mal noted with a certain amount of hysteria in his mind. Two slick fingers were pushed inside Simon and Mal could feel the noises that Simon was making just as much as he could hear them.
"You like it a little rough, Doc?" Jayne growled as he leaned forward, pushing his slick cock along the crack of Simon's ass.
Simon's body shifted as he pushed back against Jayne.
"Nice," Jayne muttered as he pulled back a little to slide the two fingers back in, then out to add another one.
Simon shook a little, and his hand, still curled around Mal's cock, tightened more than a little. Mal growled low in his throat. He didn't want to hold back, gorrammit.
Mal buried his fingers deeper in Simon's hair again and closed his eyes. He would really have to find some new fancy gun to thank Jayne for this idea of his. Good thinking should be rewarded.
Jayne lined up behind Simon, and then without any word of warning, he pushed inside.
Simon arched, but his mouth hardly faltered.
The bunk shook with each of Jayne's thrusts and although Mal felt like his eyes wanted to close with the bliss of that hot mouth and slick tongue, he couldn't. His eyes were focused on Jayne's cock sliding in and out of Simon's body.
Mal realized that Jayne had been closer than he'd thought when the big man looked up at him. "Trussin' up the Doc was a real turn on," he grunted as he thrust one last time into Simon, ending with small rocking motions in and out as he rode out his orgasm.
Simon heaved for air as he slid his mouth off Mal's cock again.
"Did I say you could stop?" Mal asked with a breathless grin as he tightened his fingers in Simon's hair.
Simon looked up at him, while licking his lips. Then he looked down at Mal's cock, sliding a finger along the shaft.
Mal swallowed hard.
"I think you can do something more constructive with that," Simon said huskily as Jayne slipped out of his body and then pulled him up against his hairy chest.
Jayne tweaked a rosy nipple and Simon's eyes fell closed for a moment. "Come on, Mal," Jayne said with a grin as he slid his hands down over Simon's sweaty thighs. "Kid's good."
Simon slid his arms up over his head, around Jayne's neck. "I'm no kid, Jayne," he said with a small smile.
Mal bit his lower lip, then pulled himself up onto the bunk, kneeing his way over until he was kneeling between Simon's thighs.
Jayne put his hands under Simon's ass and lifted him a little. Mal knew perfectly well what was being offered, but it took a moment before he could get his legs to move.
Putting his hands under Simon's thighs, Mal scooted closer until he and Jayne could lift Simon high enough for what they had in mind. Simon's grin told them there'd be no fight from him. He obviously wanted Mal as much as Mal wanted to bury himself inside Simon.
Mal met no resistance as he pushed his cock inside. Simon was still slick from both the lube and Jayne's semen and he slid slowly down over Mal's cock as Jayne lowered him.
Simon chuckled but it turned to a deep moan as Jayne tightened his grip and lifted him a little again, to then let him slide back down. Mal's own groan mixed with Simon's as he braced his hands against the bunk and let Jayne do all the work.
"This is ruttin' hot," Jayne bit out, sweat beading his strained arms.
Mal reached out and curled his fingers around Simon's cock, reveling in the moans and mewls that escaped the other man. He knew he wouldn't be able to hold back for much longer himself. The tight heat around his cock and the heavy, warm flesh in his hand mixed with Jayne's grunts... It was all he could concentrate on.
He could hold back, though. For a little long
er. At least he hoped he could... until he opened his eyes and met Jayne's. The other man was still lifting Simon up and down while watching Mal with so much heat that Mal's control broke like a cheap wooden plank.
Another tug and warm semen spattered his chest as well, but Mal was too far gone to care. His own body shook with his release and he slumped against the other two.
Mal came back to the feel of two sets of hands, caressing his back. Simon's softer ones were light and easy, Jayne's had a jittery feel to it.
"Gorrammit, Jayne, don't tell me you're ready to go again?" Mal said with a small chuckle.
"Oh, I can tell you he is," Simon muttered sleepily. "But I don't think I can handle another round."
"Not askin' you to," Jayne growled.
Mal leaned in and caught Simon's lips in a sloppy kiss. "Jayne mostly needs another round pretty fast," he said with a grin. "I'm used to it."
Simon just shook his head with a grin as Jayne lifted him off Mal and dumped him unceremoniously on the bunk. He licked his lips as he watched Mal, not even suppressing his smirk.
Mal winked at Simon as he got to his feet on the floor, bracing his hands against the bunk. He didn't miss the wide grin on Jayne's face as he grabbed the bottle of slick and went around to Mal's back.
The two fingers were rough and familiar, and Mal just forced his body to relax. It helped a great deal as Simon slid forward and started kissing him again, wet and with a lot of tongue.
Two fingers became three and Mal groaned into Simon's mouth, his ears filling with Jayne's lazy chuckle.
Simon's clever hands seemed to find every small hotspot within their reach and Mal let his own world narrow down to Jayne's hands on his hips, the hot, hard erection inside him and Simon's hands exploring as much as they could reach.
He'd never be able to go for another round this soon himself, but Jayne's constant thrusts against his prostate were a rush of their own.
Jayne cursed under his breath and Mal felt the steady thrusts falter, become erratic. Jayne slumped against him, Mal could feel the hot rush inside and he tightened his ass around Jayne. The curses became louder and Mal smiled around Simon's tongue.
"Damn..." Jayne panted against his back. "You're gon' be the death of me."
"Did I," Mal muttered against Simon's laughing mouth, "tell you that this was one of your better ideas, Jayne?"
Jayne's weight against him would become uncomfortable at some point, but Mal didn't want it to end just yet. So he made no move to dislocate the heavy weight.
Yeah, he'd have to find something interesting for the Doc and a new gun for Jayne after this. Maybe they'd get to do this more often too. Wouldn't be a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all.