Category: First time, a tiny bit of angst, illustrated fic
Summary: There is more to communication than words.
Notes: Penance. Pure and simple. I asked Nicci if she knew DS and she vaguely remembered something about a Mountie and a wolf. So, being the good friend that i am, I shared the RayK goodness with her. And episodes as well *g* Now she's making manips like never before.
Nicci: I don't NEED another fandom, dammit.
Xim: Want another episode?
Nicci: Yeah, gimme!
So, my penance for dragging her into DS: Using her talented manips as a story board *g*
Thanks to: Nicci for the inspiration and initial read-through/beta etc and to Laura for the final beta ^_^ -- you girls know I'd suck without your help LOL
A shiver runs through Fraser's body and I happily lick the same spot. The skin on his shoulder has a salty quality to it and a taste of Fraser that I know I've already become addicted to.
Hands slide up and down my body, sometimes petting. Sometimes the touch is a caress, pressing me closer, and at other times, when I find a particularly hot spot, strong fingers squeeze and I know that there'll be bruises in the morning.
Not that I care.
I lick my way up from Fraser's shoulder to where it meets the neck. There seems to be a slight variation of taste, one that I happily explore. It's odd... to lie like this, my limbs entwined with another man's, a hard muscular body pressing against me, instead of familiar soft curves.
It's an eye-opener alright.
It was strange, albeit not exactly uncomfortable, the way Ray always seemed to invade his space. At times, he rarely noticed. At some points he did. Very much so. Of course always at inopportune moments. Ray leaning over him to get something from the glove compartment. The man simply never kept a personal distance... at least not around Fraser. It seemed as if Ray was attached to Fraser with an elastic cord.
Fraser cringed. Now, that was not exactly fair. Ray was not constantly in his space... Half of the time Fraser was in *Ray's* space. Only... their spaces were familiar. Safe territory and yet not...
Fraser turned and turned the Stetson in his hands, worrying the rim as he watched the house they had under surveillance. Turning his head to Ray, he caught the other man watching him with an intent look. And Fraser forgot whatever it was he had been thinking of saying to Ray.
Raising an eyebrow, Fraser returned the look with more confidence and calm than he was truly feeling.
Ray's eyes strayed to the hat. "You're gonna ruin the Stetson, Frase," Ray scolded as he leaned forward and rescued the unfortunate item. "So... what's on your mind...? It's been a while since I've seen you torture the hat."
Fraser had to smile at that. Somewhere along the way, Ray had grown attached to his hat, probably more than Fraser was to his uniform. The uniform was part of his duty, the hat... was something else, something more. Especially to Ray, it seemed.
"I assure you that everything is good, Ray," Fraser told his friend, turning his head back to look out the front window. Schooling his features, he tried to drive away the warmth running through his body at the thought of Ray knowing him so well. Very few had ever worked hard enough to get this close to him and Fraser both liked and feared it. The intimacy of it.
"Oh... okay... Frase?" Ray's voice had turned serious and worried for a moment.
"Yes?" Fraser gave the hat in Ray's lap a longing look. It was a bad habit. It was a good thing that Dief wasn't with them on this night. The wolf would have laughed and ridiculed him.
A warm hand grasped his.
"You'd tell me if something was wrong, right?" Ray's voice was low and the worry in it made Fraser ache.
"I..." Fraser tried, but the words eluded him. Yes? No? Neither seemed to be the truth and both set Fraser's teeth on edge.
"Right?" Tenacity, thy name is Raymond Kowalski.
"Yes." Oddly, when he said it, it brought him a level of peace he had not foreseen. "I was merely wondering about some things."
"You'll tell me when you feel the time is right, huh?" Ray's voice softened considerably. "I can wait."
Fraser found himself smiling. "Thank you kindly, Ray."
Ray snorted but did not answer, simply patted Fraser's hand a couple of times before he sat back in his own seat.
It was going to be a long stake-out.
Someone whimpers and if I was more aware, I might feel embarrassed. As it is, I shamelessly arch into the touch as Fraser's hands go from caressing to possessive faster than the GTO goes from 0 to 100. Thoughts of those hands have been driving me crazy for ages and it's almost surreal now, having them explore every inch of my body. The fingers dig into my ass and I'm hauled as close as humanly possible to Fraser's warm body.
It's like a crash of physical input. Skin, sweat slicked, burning and hard in places that are familiar to me, yet not. Every touch I put upon Fraser's shaking body draws another sound, a different note from the previous, though they all have the same basic beat, the same beat that my heart is drumming out.
It's not a civilized rhythm. It's older than anything else and it dictates my want, it hammers Fraser's need into my blood and I feel like throwing my head back, opening my mouth, to hear what sound will be torn from my throat.
I don't do it. I find something much more fun to do with my mouth than experimental yelling. Fraser's head has dropped back and that oh-so-enticing throat is bared completely. It should be an act of submission, but as I lower my head, a strange thought flitters through my mind.
Maybe Fraser's the strong one here, because he's strong enough to let go, strong enough to let me do this to him.
And maybe I don't mind all that much either, dancing to Fraser's beat. It's like a good old-fashioned classic. The kind of tune that spans decades and never grows old. The kind that makes you smile and feel ageless whenever you hear it.
I lick from the base of Fraser's throat to his chin. Yeah, I never did have much self control. Too late to start changing a life long habit. Besides, it doesn't look like Fraser minds.
It had been an... unsettling two weeks and Fraser wasn't sure where anything fit in any more. Nothing had changed, yet nothing was the same. Ray was still Ray, but at times the normally over-energetic man turned silent and contemplative. When Fraser called him on it, Ray just shrugged and changed the topic.
Fraser couldn't help wondering if it had anything to do with their strange conversation during their stakeout. It wasn't that Ray had asked him again what had been on his mind, on the contrary. Yet Fraser couldn't shake the feeling that when Ray had one of his silent spells, he was trying to figure out what was going on with Fraser.
He really did want to tell Ray what was on his mind, but he had no idea what Ray would say or what he would do. As much as Fraser knew that Ray was an open-minded man, he also knew that if he told Ray how he felt... how Ray made him feel... it would inevitably change things between them.
As much as he had come to admit to himself that he loved Ray, he could not yet tell him. Maybe he never would be able to. It was enough that he had sleepless nights over endangering a friendship and partnership that worked beyond words, no need for Ray to worry as well.
The nights... the nights were spent on wondering and thinking, and when he finally *did* manage to sleep, he'd wake up in the morning with fading images of Ray in his mind.
His attraction to Ray was slowly driving him toward an edge. Maybe he wasn't making things any easier by accepting dinner at Ray's place. Working with Ray was one thing, but spending his spare time with him as well...
Fraser pulled at the collar of his uniform. Maybe it was a good thing he had not changed out of it for tonight. It gave him a constant reminder of his duty, both to his job and to Ray.
Dinner had been good and although Fraser had offered, Ray hadn't let him help with the dishes. It itched in Fraser's fingers to do so. He never did enjoy standing around, letting others do the work. True, Ray did have a dishwasher, but Fraser had been exiled to the far wall of the kitchen with a stern lecture on behavior in Ray's home as a guest.
Ray put the last plate into the dishwasher and turned toward Fraser. For a moment, Fraser thought he knew how a deer caught in the headlights felt at that very moment of cold realization where something big was headed its way.
"Fraser?" Ray's voice was tentative, but the look in his eyes told Fraser that there was no getting out this time.
Ray closed the space between them and once again Fraser marveled at Ray's lack of consciousness concerning personal space. Especially Fraser's. It was oddly intoxicating to have Ray this close. And as Ray put a hand on the wall next to Fraser and leaned in... well, for all that Fraser cared, the world around them could be non-existent.
"I know you said you'd tell me in time, but I'm really worried about you," Ray said, sincere blue eyes seemed to break through every one of Fraser's defenses and he wondered if this was it. If this would be the last time that Ray invited him over.
"Ray, I..." Fraser trailed off as he let himself be caught in the snare of those eyes. In them he saw worry and genuine care and perhaps something else... although he was not one to make assumptions, but maybe...
They were standing so close that Fraser wondered if Ray was aware of that or if it was simply his personality that dictated his behavior, the way Ray always trusted him...
Oh dear. It was difficult for Fraser to keep his mind away from the possibility that Ray might kiss him. He drew a deep breath and realized his mistake. He could smell the familiar scent of Ray mixed with the usual flavor of coffee. Fraser wanted to know if Ray would taste the way he smelled; sweet with a little bit of bitterness and bite...
"Frase, I gotta tell you that..." Ray began, eyes heavily lidded, his voice hoarse and low. An incessant sound tore them from the moment.
Ray's cell phone.
For a moment neither of them moved, nor did they look at each other, the nearness of their bodies making Fraser dizzy. Maybe it was just as well, he thought as Ray sighed and turned away from him to get the phone. Perhaps he was the fool for hoping for something he could not have.
The call was from the Lieutenant, asking them to take a look at a case they'd thought closed. Ray even took him to the Consulate so he could change out of the uniform first before they went to check up on some of the witnesses. He wasn't on this case officially, so wearing the uniform was redundant.
Unfortunately it was also his defense against Ray and without it...
Fraser had thought that perhaps he could get out of the conversation Ray had started back at the apartment. Unfortunately, by the time they had finished of the loose ends of their report, and Ray was returning him to the Consulate, it did not seem to be the case.
When Fraser got out, so did Ray, and without a word he followed Fraser up to the large, looming doors of the Consulate. For a moment they stood there, facing each other in the twilight. Fraser tugged absentmindedly at the zipper of his leather jacket, trying to busy his hands so that he wouldn't reach out toward Ray.
Ray once again stood as close as possible without actually occupying the same space. "I..." Ray tried, his voice coarse and nearly inaudible.
They both seemed to sway for a moment, as if some invisible string between them kept getting shorter and shorter until Fraser felt the heat of Ray's body burning through the layers of their clothing. At some point his eyes had drifted shut and he didn't have to open them to know that if he turned his head, he could nuzzle Ray's neck or ear.
So much temptation.
"Just... I know I'm pushy," Ray mumbled, his warm breath hitting Fraser's neck, sending shivers down his spine. "I want you to just push back if it's too much."
"Ray?" Fraser was surprised that his voice didn't break.
"Push back, Fraser. Tell me to stop..." there was a strange plea in the voice and Fraser was unsure what to do about it and although he opened his eyes, there wasn't light enough to give him a good look at Ray.
Fraser opened his mouth to respond, but his voice seemed to have frozen, or maybe melted, because there was no part of his body that held its normal temperature.
Ray moved his hands up and they hovered a mere inch from Fraser's chest. Then with a sigh he patted the leatherjacket before he took a step back and cleared his throat.
"Sorry... I'll go now, I'll... I'll pick you up tomorrow morning if it's okay with you."
Fraser swayed for a moment, completely drugged by Ray's presence and completely thrown off track by Ray's sudden withdrawal.
"Frase... you okay?" Ray didn't sound any more okay than Fraser felt, but Fraser attempted pulling his walls into place, now probably nothing more than crumbled ruins, but it was enough to get him through the next minute or so.
"I'm... I'm good, Ray. Tomorrow will be good." He swallowed hard, biting back the words he shouldn't say. Like 'stay', 'don't go' and worst of all. 'Don't leave me now, I want you with me.'
"Good... good..." Ray cleared his throat again, then turned and walked hastily to his car.
Fraser sighed and turned his back, unlocking the front door of the Consulate. For all his good intentions, it seemed the damage had already been done. Only the morning would tell him how much he could salvage. Even a blind man couldn't have missed how he felt about Ray. And Ray wasn't blind.
Of all the things that could have happened... Sometimes life was cruel, dangling what you couldn't have right in front of your nose, to only take it away at the most painful moment.
The tension slowly builds. I think it's strange, but it's not just everything I've hoped for, dreamed about. It's so much more. It should be fast, urgent, desperate, shouldn't it, this first time of ours? It's not. Our first kiss seemed like utter madness and incinerating heat rolled into one, but now that we're in bed?
Shy. And I'm not just talking about Fraser here. Now that we're out of our clothes, things are progressing at a much slower pace.
I smile against Fraser's skin as I nuzzle and lick as much of it as I can. Fraser is so damned responsive and even if I got the nervous vibe from him in the beginning, it seems Fraser has lost that and discovered his curiosity instead.
I never thought it could be like this. So little thought behind it all, just the urge to touch and explore, to give pleasure at a slow burning pace.
To make it last.
Shifting my hips a little, I find the right spot as my cock slides along Fraser's, causing us both to shake. It feels so good and I don't want it to ever stop.
Bracing myself on shaky hands, I pull back a little, looking down at Fraser's flushed face. And it hits me, right out of the blue.
This isn't a one time thing and Fraser is possibly the most courageous man I've ever known. Fraser came to me, offered this... And I know I'm doing something I figured I would never do again. And I'm doing it gladly and with a lot more thrill and expectation than fear. Yet it's the last time I'll do it. The last time I'll give a part of myself to someone else.
I open my mouth to voice it, but the words stick in my throat. Swallowing hard, I watch Fraser's expression go from curious to understanding and I find myself pulled down into a long, honest-to-god breath-stealing kiss.
Fraser closed the heavy doors of the Consulate behind him. A low 'whoof' greeted him as Dief came to meet him.
"Do you need to go out?" Fraser asked the wolf, wanting nothing more than to run until he could get no further, either that or crawling into the nearest corner and staying there.
Dief rumbled and turned to pad back toward the office that held Fraser's cot as well.
Oh well. Fraser sighed and lined up the coming day's duties up in his mind as he followed the wolf. Somehow he doubted he would be going into the 27th tomorrow. He didn't take off his jacket, but simply sat on his cot and buried his face in his hands.
How bad was it? He had always felt so at ease around Ray and it accounted for how Ray had been able to get so close, both physically and emotionally. Still, after tonight... He should talk to Ray, set things straight and try to ascertain how what had happened would impact their working relationship... and more importantly, their friendship.
A cold nose butted against Fraser's hands. Letting his hands drop, Fraser gave his companion a tired smile. "I'm sorry, Dief, but I'm afraid I might have done something foolish tonight."
Dief snorted and sat down, watching him with an overbearing air.
"I never intended for Ray to see how I feel for him," Fraser confided in the wolf. "I should have known better."
"No, it's not that easy. Human's can't just sniff, lick and mate."
A grumbled conveyed Dief's reluctance to believe him.
Fraser sighed. "I am unsure how to go on with this, though I do know I will have to talk to Ray about this... and probably as soon as possible."
Dief barked, stood and turned his back to Fraser as if it was his final word, before walking over to drop down on his own blanket.
Fraser drew in a deep breath. "It's late already..." he said, trailing off. Although they had not parted with hard words, the longer he put it off, the worse it would be. The harder it would be to patch things up, if indeed they needed patching up.
He was a coward if he stayed here, hiding behind his official façade. He had faced so many dangers in his life, yet... this put the fear in him like nothing else had ever done.
Before he knew it, he was back at the front doors of the Consulate, Dief at his side.
"Are you coming along?" he asked the wolf, feeling a little pathetic for wanting the company, for needing the support.
Dief growled and turned to go back toward the office, letting Fraser know in no small words that he'd rather wait for Turnbull to come back in the morning. The man fed him a better breakfast than Fraser did.
At least according to Dief.
Fraser rolled his eyes and opened the doors; Dief was getting soft. It was a little chilly outside, but a brisk walk to Ray's place would do him good.
He walked with his eyes downcast and the next time he looked up, he was in front of Ray's apartment building. He would need to use the call-button to get through the main entrance, but he was unsure of what to say.
As he raised his hand to press the button next to Ray's name, the door opened and a young man came out. Fraser frowned then realized who the man was. Ray's neighbor, Mr. Jenkins.
"Hey Constable," Jenkins greeted him. "Going up?"
Fraser almost said no. This would mean he could get to Ray's apartment without Ray knowing... It did not seem entirely fair. Yet before he could say anything, Jenkins had ushered him inside, waved goodbye and disappeared down the street.
Staring at the stairs for a moment, Fraser waited for his legs to stop shaking. This was it.
He ended up standing for a few minutes outside Ray's door, still unsure of what he was doing, what he was going to say. He really did not want to lie to Ray, but their friendship was too important for him to not... obfuscate a little.
Fraser knocked and waited for Ray to answer. The hallway was silent and Fraser strained his hearing to listen for Ray. After a few long moments, there was a shuffling of feet on the other side of the door and the door was opened as much as the security chain allowed it.
"I... I need to talk to you, Ray," the words spilled out before Fraser could stop himself, could excuse himself for coming over this late.
"Um..." Ray blinked a couple of times, but avoided looking Fraser fully in the eyes. "Sure... just a second." The door slid closed and Fraser heard the safety chain being taken off. Then the door opened again.
"Come on in," Ray said, oddly shy as he stepped back to let Fraser in. "Um..." Ray turned and headed for the kitchen. "Can I get you anything? Tea? Milk...? No wait, that's gone sour..."
"Ray..." Fraser stopped in the middle of the living room and breathed deeply. Ray was nervous and Fraser just had to hope it was for the right reasons. Well, there was only one way to find out.
"I wanted to know if we're okay," he admitted.
Ray turned to look at him with a frown. "Yeah... I uh... why shouldn't we be?" Ray's voice sounded slightly strained.
"Tonight... we..." Fraser sought the right words, but they eluded him.
"Oh..." Ray frowned again, then his eyebrows came up, the blue eyes widening. "You didn't want me to know..." It wasn't a question.
Fraser ran a hand through his hair, trying to calm himself, but as always, he could not lie to Ray. "No, I didn't want to ruin our friendship," he admitted in a low voice and closed his eyes.
There was a slight movement in front of him, but Fraser didn't open his eyes. He was unsure what he would see on Ray's face, and his courage seemed to have deserted him at this most crucial moment.
A moment later, Fraser became aware of the warm breath against his face, the heat of the body standing close to his own. Finally he managed to open his eyes and Ray was a lot closer that he had expected. The warm breath brushed over his lips and Fraser swayed for a moment.
Ray shook his head and a small smile seemed to be forming on his lips. One that Fraser wanted more than anything to taste.
The smile softened and Ray's hands came up to push Fraser's leather jacket off his shoulders and down his arms. It fell unheeded to the floor.
"I wasn't sure," Ray whispered.
And Fraser got that, on so many levels. Nodding, he slid his hand up through Ray's hair and tugged his face closer, their lips barely brushing. "Ray..."
And the rest was drowned as he was pulled closer, and finally found that Ray's smile tasted just like he had imagined. Perfect.
I surface from our kiss and my world has boiled down to just me and Fraser, moving against one another, naked skin on skin. The slow pace is sliding away and although our touches aren't frantic, there is an unspoken need for more friction, more movement, more touching.
Arching my back, I press my painfully erect cock against Fraser's, not sure if the throbbing I'm feeling is my own or an echo of Fraser's.
Something seems to break inside of me, and as I look down into Fraser's heavily lidded eyes, I feel the heat curving its way through my body. Tendrils like molten steel curl around my spine, centered in my balls and reaching up through my body, fraying every nerve ending.
Fraser is with me every step of the way. Whimpers escape the slightly swollen lips, glistening from our kisses and the almost indecent look of heat and want in Fraser's eyes is my undoing.
Unable to keep my eyes open, I pound against Fraser's firm body, feeling strong hands gripping my hips, urging me on. The near white-out that grips me and pulls me down is a blissful union of all the things that I can't find the words for.
I'm hardly conscious enough to feel Fraser's release, our bodies still moving, although at a slower pace. There is no conscious thought behind it, just pure, simple want and love.
The night around us returns, but it has changed. Where my apartment had an empty feel to it a little while ago, it is now warm and full of life.
I keep my eyes closed but smile as I feel Fraser shifting and wiping us off with something that's probably my t-shirt. Then I'm pulled against warm, sweat damp skin and strong muscles.
Yup, figured as much. It's a perfect fit.
Neither of us has said anything and oddly enough, it doesn't seem to be necessary. Fraser mumbles something that sounds like 'sleep' against my temple, but the words don't sound important.
As I hear and feel Fraser's breathing slow, I almost ask Fraser to stay. But it's not necessary. Not right now. Fraser is with me, and although the grip he has on me should be enough, I smile as I lock my arms and legs around Fraser's warm body.
No, words really aren't necessary.